Control

When confronted with experiences that challenge the perceived stability of life, we have an inherent tendency to try to regain control. Even our best-laid plans cannot account for many of the curve balls thrown by fate.

Sometimes the store is out of eggs when we promised to make breakfast or there is unusual traffic on the day of an important meeting. Sometimes dogs run away. Sometimes people get diagnosed with terminal cancer.  

What can be done when we are presented with things that are simply beyond our ability to control?

We can ask for help.

We can choose to face the challenge with honesty and with courage.

We can practice directing our attention to gratitude for that which is good.

The only thing we have any degree of control over is how we choose to see and respond to the challenges and the opportunities life provides. We cannot tell the wind when or how to blow, but we can learn to sail.

Let The Gavel Go

One of the first and perhaps most important things I learned in Psychology 101 my freshman year of college was something called the fundamental attribution error. It is an observation that states we are more likely to judge a person on what we perceive to be their character rather than some external factor affecting them in the moment. This is most obvious when we encounter someone who is stressed out and they are showing it.

There is a tendency to jump to the conclusion that this is a mean person instead of considering some basic questions, such as:

 Is this person hungry?
Is this person tired?
Is this person in pain?

I find it helpful to remember that what is often interpreted as meanness or hostility is usually some variation of anxiety. How do you feel when you’re hungry or tired or in pain? How do you act? Is it fair for others to judge who you are based on a temporary low energy state?

At one time or another everyone works through an internal struggle that folks on the outside know nothing about. Before dropping the gavel on someone, just ask: could some major stressor be affecting this person’s ability to mindfully communicate in this moment?